A Difficult Precept

20120727-141756I’m a “pleaser” by nature.

I feel very uncomfortable if I can’t “fix” a problem or just “work harder” to get everything done.

the-day-you-learn-to-say-no-to-what-currently-is-is-the-day-you-unlock-the-possibility-of-all-that-could-beAs I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that it’s not as easy as “just saying no”. Because after a long time of living this way, one attracts those into one’s life that enjoy being with someone who says “yes” and makes life easier for them. And the people in my life expect me to say “yes” and often become disgruntled when I “complain” that I have no time or I’m too busy. That makes me uncomfortable, and the process starts again.

It’s not as if I can just walk away from these people either. They are a part of daily life – most at home, some at work, some in other areas. So I’m forced to try to find a way to “re-train” myself – and them – to a different expectation.

You-have-to-learn-to-say-no-without-feeling-guilty_-Setting-boundaries-is-healthy_-You-need-to-learn-to-respect-and-take-care-of-yourselfUp until now, the only time I’ve been able to break the old pattern, even for a moment, is when I finally get angry when someone persistently takes my innate drive to help and work for granted.

Unfortunately, anger isn’t comfortable (or productive) either. Also, I can’t sustain it, due to my nature of being a “look at the bright side” kind of gal.

I’m glad that I’m like that, but it does make the yo-yo of trying to just say no when my habit and nature like to say yes that much more pronounced.

Xk32hbcI’m sure you’ve noticed how I’ve sprinkled a few very nice “self-help” posters about this issue throughout this post. They’re all very good and very true. I just have a hard time putting them into practice.

So for all you pleasers out there…how do you help yourself to implement the ability to (gracefully) say “no”? Do you have a little mantra you repeat to yourself? Do you use a system of numbers to arrive at when you’re overloaded? How do you help yourself to feel less disappointed and selfish when you say “no” to things that others expect and that you’re accustomed to providing? I’m all ears! 🙂

Cultivating a Healthy P.O.V.

its_time_to_be_inspired_640_high_04This resonates with me on a personal level. What I bring to the table supersedes the rest, for good or for ill.

It’s also useful in my life as a writer. It’s why there are so many opinions and reactions to various books, writing styles, themes, subjects etc. What is moving, meaningful, and amazing to one may seem trite, pedantic, or corny to another.

As a writer, it’s far easier to remember and be affected by criticism – by those who didn’t like one’s work – than by those who offered positive feedback, review, or praise. This quote helps me to keep it all in perspective.

ALL reactions to creative work are valid…but because of the intimate and subjective nature of any creative work, those reactions, positive or negative, often speak more about the person reading/viewing/hearing the work than the work itself.

When a review seems firmly based on the book – characters, plot, setting, background etc – it’s still true. Have you ever seen the reviews on amazon and the like where a reviewer who gave a blistering, one-star review is questioned by others who liked the work with something along the lines of, “Are we even talking about the same book – and did you even read this one?” It’s all in each individual reader’s perspective.

When the reviews are clearly personal – whether sweetly gushing or sarcastically slashing – having little to do about the work itself but seeming to be more emotional, the quote above is doubly true.

In the 13+ years since my first book was released, I’ve had reviews of all kinds, and it takes a while to develop the thicker skin required of anyone who hopes to have a long-term writing career…especially when it can seem as if those with negative reactions are the most vocal. But it’s a necessary skill to cultivate if you intend to put your work out there for public consumption.

Not everyone will like your baby. Some will even call it “ugly”. But others will adore it and treasure it. It’s all part of a writing career, and it’s a good idea to try to cultivate a healthy perspective about it. 🙂

 

For the New Year…

Steve JobsAs a writer/self-published and traditionally published author/teacher/wife/mom/daughter/sister/friend (you get the idea) who keeps fighting the good fight to let the message of this quote inform my life, I love it, but I also recognize that it is a tough one to achieve. In my experience, the pressing needs of responsibility often push aside or in some way subvert the yearnings of heart and intuition.

Thoughts on this? How do YOU try to achieve a harmonious balance of responsibility AND the yearnings of heart/intuition in your life or your work?

Is This Odd?

I love to decorate for various occasions as has been established. 🙂 But my husband has teased me about one of my decorations for several years now (though he admitted recently that he’s come to like it!)

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The tree with the bathroom lights on

I have a little Christmas tree in the downstairs bathroom.

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The tree with the bathroom lights off

It’s cute. Almost like a nightlight. I really enjoy it, and I miss it when January 1 rolls around and I have to put it (and all the other decorations) away.

How about you? Do you have an opinion about this – or an odd decorating place of your own to share?  🙂

Christmas at the Homestead…and A Stollen Recipe

ChristmasWell, I suppose the stollen could  be served anytime. But we always had it on Christmas.

It’s a little fussy to make and takes a few hours, between rising, baking and frosting, but the results are worth it and SO good with coffee. The pic above is of a later years Christmas morning at the Homestead…the entire living room used to be filled like this when all of us kids lived at home. My poor mother would be wrapping until 2:00am most Christmases. 🙂

Here’s the stollen recipe; it’s from a 1965 edition of Family Circle Magazine, and my mother has been making this every year for my entire life. Once I got married and started my own family, I began making it as well – though mine never turn out as nice as Ma’s do!

STOLLEN
BREADS — Yeast

Bake at 350° for 35 minutes…makes 2 large loaves

1 cup seedless raisins
1 cup (8-ounce jar) mixed chopped candied fruits
1/4 cup orange juice
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine
2 envelopes active dry yeast
OR: 2 cakes compressed yeast
1/4 cup very warm water
2 eggs, beaten
1 teaspoon grated lemon rind
5 cups sifted regular flour
1 cup chopped blanched almonds (I use finely chopped walnuts instead)
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
2 tablespoons cinnamon-sugar (I use a lot more)

imageCombine raisins, candied fruits, and orange juice in a small bowl.

imageScald milk with sugar, salt, and 1/2 cup (1 stick) of the butter or margarine; cool to lukewarm.

Sprinkle or crumble yeast into very warm water in a large bowl. (“Very warm” water should feel comfortably warm when dropped on wrist.) Stir until yeast dissolves, then stir in cooled milk mixture, eggs, and lemon rind.

imageBeat in 2 cups of the flour until smooth; stir in fruit mixture, almonds, and nutmeg, then beat in just enough of remaining 3 cups flour to make a stiff dough.

Knead until smooth and elastic on a lightly floured pastry cloth or board, adding only enough flour to keep dough from sticking (this is the part that’s always tough for me…figuring out how much to knead it, because there are ingredients in the dough that prevent it from being “smooth” and so difficult to tell if it’s “elastic” yet. If the dough springs back a little when you poke it, then it’s good). 🙂

imagePlace in a greased large bowl; cover with a clean towel.

imageLet rise in a warm place, away from draft, 2 hours, or until double in bulk. I use my oven’s “proofing” setting, because it keeps it draft-free and just warm enough.

imageIt should look like this on the left when ready for the next step.

Punch dough down; knead a few times; divide in half. imageRoll each into an oval, 15×9; place on a greased large cookie sheet. Melt remaining 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter or margarine in a small saucepan; brush part over each oval; sprinkle with cinnamon-sugar; imagefold in half lengthwise.

Cover; let rise again 1 hour, or until double in bulk. Brush again with part of the remaining melted butter or margarine.

imageBake in moderate oven (350°) 35 minutes, or until golden and loaves give a hollow sound when tapped. While hot, brush with remaining melted butter or margarine; cool on wire racks.

When cool, frost and decorate. imageI use a basic white icing (butter, confectioner’s sugar, a little vanilla and a couple tablespoons of milk), decorated with cut red and green cherries.

It’s really great with coffee…and with just the white frosting, you could serve it anytime!

Winter Morning Memories

shed in snowThis is a picture of a sight I saw most late winter mornings at the Homestead when I was growing up: the sun rising through the woods out back behind the red shed, casting a pink glow over everything.

We lived on what was called a “rural route” and so the school bus had to come and get us an hour before school actually started, in order to get all the kids necessary and get us all to school in time. So I was usually sitting at the kitchen table at around 6:30am, looking out the windows – which overlooked this back yard – and eating the breakfast Ma insisted I have to “get a good start on the day” before the bus came just before 7:00am.

My mother used to even sing the song of the old-time commercial posted below, to get us to eat our Cream of Wheat with a side of buttered toast and some milk or orange juice. It was from an old radio commercial she heard as a girl in the 1930’s, and it stuck with her; she could always make us smile and eat up when she danced around the kitchen singing it. When the mood strikes, she’ll still sing it for me now, with a twinkle in her eyes, and usually with both of us dissolving into giggles before she’s done. My kids think it’s hysterical. 🙂

It was a peaceful and happy time. I learned some of my love of colors, textures, and the gorgeous trappings of nature as well by watching the changes in the vista I saw each morning in the back yard. Everything was snug, safe, and warm inside the house, the beautiful world outside was just waking up, and it was time to start a new day.

I still enjoy sunrises, though the view around me is sadly far more suburban than country anymore. The sky looks the same, though, wherever I am. ❤

How about you – are you a sunrise kind of person?

About Control…

kdp-quotes_control3thingspp_w649_h649Much easier said than done.

Have you ever had someone accuse you of trying to “control” what they do?  I have.

But I’ve learned that often it’s not that you’re trying to control them; it’s that they feel trapped by their own choices, and the only solution is to push the blame outward.

To the one on the receiving end of that kind of accusation, it’s hurtful. Sometimes there is no moving past it. Sometimes calmer emotions prevail and the accuser can step back and realize what’s really happening.

Either way, all the other person can do is to remember the above comment. Each of us has control over only three things: What we think, what we say, and how we behave.

Notice none of them include “others”. Only ourselves.

You can’t control other people.

You can only control yourself.

A Peaceful Scene

1617677-bigthumbnailThis illustration makes me happy, so I thought I’d share it with you.

I think it’s beautiful on so many levels: the natural setting, the red barn, the deer, the stream, the tree with a few ruddy leaves clinging to its branches, and the cozy home with fireplace smoke spiraling up, and the windows lit so warmly from within.

But I think my favorite part of this is the way the light from the windows and the setting sun spills out onto the trail of footprints through the snow, gilding the whole area with a rosy glow.

It’s peaceful and lovely…and somewhere I wish I could be right about now! So I will visit there in my imagination. ❤

 

Seasonal Images From My Home To Yours

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The tree and decorated mantel in my living room. My chair is the one closest to the shelves; my husband’s is nearest to the camera

Now that my grades are in for the five weeks (even though I just got in another eight inch stack to grade over the holidays) I have a little time to breathe and enjoy the sights and sounds of the season. I thought I’d share a few images from around my house, since I’m a home body and I love to decorate for whatever occasion I can. 🙂

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A little glass of eggnog with nutmeg gets things going.

imageThis “mistletoe crystal” was a gift from a friend last year. I think it looks really pretty hanging from the chandelier in our dining room.

imageFor me, Christmas-time wouldn’t be complete without some old-fashioned, “clove” oranges. The tradition of using cloves stems back further than medieval times, but the use of clove-studded oranges for scent and sight became very popular in the Victorian era. I made these last weekend (it doesn’t take long) and used the old iridescent fruit bowl my parents bought for me at an old antique/second-hand shop a couple of decades ago, perched on the silver case my sister-in-law bought for my husband and me when we got married 24+ years ago.

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A close-up of the some of the lights and decorations on the mantel. I think this looks a little like a Christmas card design, don’t you?

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And a shot of our sweet English shepherd, Cassie, snoozing under the Christmas tree. So cozy!

I hope you’re getting some opportunities, whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, or nothing at all, to enjoy the different pace of the season.

Negativity

Power-over-our-surroundingsI’m having a hard time with this one lately.

I haven’t quite figured out how to manage the space inside my head and heart when it comes to remembering this when certain toxic people – people I can’t completely separate from, since they’re connected to me through family – begin to spread negativity and try to draw me into the suffocating well of it.

I end up feeling panicky, and my heart-races as it usually does when I am faced with injustice or unfairness. The need to right the wrong and try to smooth things over rises up, because I am a peacemaker and a “fixer” by nature.

Except there is no accomplishing that with these two people. So, although I can ask (and have asked) them to stop contacting me, I haven’t resolved anything. The lingering negativity hangs over my head like a bloated, bilious cloud, affecting my every day activities and feelings.

Does anyone have a go-to poster, message, saying, or mantra that helps when times like this arise? Please post in the comments if you do…or any advice for handling negative people from whom you are unable to detach yourself completely! I’m sure I’ll shake it off soon, but some help in getting there would be most welcome. 🙂